Feeling better, new approach

I think problems with my marriage have been undermining my weight loss efforts because sometimes I just feel unmotivated to do anything, like everything's too far gone. We are doing better, though, in part due to me taking an antidepressant. I was on Luvox without much success, and recently switched over to Celexa. It seems to be helping stabilize my moods. I don't get so angry or offended or hurt or despairing anymore. I feel like it's given me the ability to work through things more rationally, which is definitely a help to my marriage and my weight loss efforts.

Weight Watchers is great for the support and research that backs it, but I was getting frustrated with how slow my progress was. I fluctuated a little, but have very little to show for my months of meetings. Also, in any given week, I would forget to track foods at least 2 or 3 days, which is enough to stall the plan. On those days, I would typically eat and drink about twice my daily allotment. No wonder progress was so slow. Well, WW has another way you can go about your diet, and that is with filling foods. What I noticed right off the bat is that their "filling foods" program looks very much like South Beach Diet. These are foods that are not too high in fat, retain their natural fibers, and leave you feeling satisfied. So when I got back from vacation 4 lbs. heavier, I decided to switch over to "filling foods". I am doing this within the confines of South Beach Diet Phase 1. This is supposed to rid your body of the glycemic highs and lows that lead to carb cravings.

I did South Beach before, with great success, but didn't keep the weight off because I slowly backslid from the South Beach way of life. Also, I had bulimic episodes back then, and would sometimes eat off plan and purge it. So I never really gave the plan a chance to rid me of my carb cravings. I've been recovered from bulimia over three years now, and I think I can handle another try at South Beach, as long as I have accountability. Loved ones and medical professionals know of my past struggles, so I feel like I have the proper safety net in place to give this a go.

I started off last Saturday, back from vacation, at 188. Today I am at 182.5. One is supposed to lose 8-13 pounds on phase 1. From prior experience, I tend to lose more toward the 13 side. It might seem like a lot to lose 5.5 lbs. in 9 days, but I actually expected a little more. Well, turns out a low calorie beverage I've been enjoying about once a day actually has 35 calories of fructose (not HFCS, just regular fruit sugar) in it. Oops. Also, I enjoyed a few vodka-soda water drinks over the weekend. Those are off-plan, but I kind of felt like the weekend wasn't special without some kind of little treat. So I am not going to have any more of the low-cal beverage until I'm done with phase 1, and no more alcohol for the rest of the week (I only planned to have it on the weekend anyway).

Also, I started off last Saturday with a strong emphasis on vegetables, but then got tired of all the shopping and cooking, and reverted to mostly protein snacks. I'm sure I'll lose weight this way, because it sounds like the Atkins plan, but it is not a sustainable diet for me. I need to get used to buying and cooking my own meals, especially with vegetables, if I am going to keep this up for the long term. Part of Phase 1 is getting used to the basic foods of your new way of eating, before adding an apple here and brown rice there. Veggies have always been a struggle for me. Even ones I tolerate just fine, I seem to have some kind of mental block against cooking them up. Some kind of dread that reflects back to my childhood? Who knows. If I could afford it, I would get hypnosis to tell me I want to eat vegetables. For now, I'm going to try to have full meals in mind a day ahead, so I am prepared to cook and eat plenty of veggies.

Why do I want this?

I didn't get around to exercising yesterday even though it's supposed to be my primary means of losing weight. I had to come back to "why do I want this?" I get so down during the day that it's hard to take a moment and think about why I'm doing what I'm doing. Yesterday there wasn't anything I wanted for lunch, so I had cheez nips. And croutons. And then some brownies. And beer. Okay, yuck. Even when I was in front of the TV stuffing my face, I knew that was not the sort of lunch I wanted to be having. I told myself I wouldn't eat the rest of the day. I ended up only having an apple for dinner, and only went over my daily points by one. But it's hardly a victory. I ate like crap, it just happened to be low enough in calories. I'm usually big on fiber, too, but the stuff I ate had very little nutritional value. It's not like I have so much to do that I need convenience food. I'm practically drowning in time. I just don't want to spend it in the kitchen, necessarily. The day before, I almost ate a whole thin crust pizza! I was so high over my points values that it made me cry to write it down the next day. I have got to stop sabotaging myself!!! I CAN do this!

So why DO I want this? Honestly my top two reasons are to be hot and to feel more comfortable (socially and physically). So it's shallow. So what? Those are my reasons. Some people want to pick up their grandkids, etc., but I just want to look damn fine on the beach. I live walking distance from the beach but rarely go because I am insecure about my looks. That has got to stop. I still have that picture on my desk of the flat stomach that pissed me off because mine used to be pretty flat like that. I mean, not Victoria's Secret model perfect, but at least good enough for a knitting pattern or something! I am going to be so mad at myself if I continue to fail this way. There must be something in my subconscious that stops me from going balls out on this. I would love to try hypnosis once I get some more money. Maybe that can counteract the voice inside telling me to put off trying for another day.

My stinkin' sister-in-law's wedding is in almost 3 weeks. I have to pull it together and start eating better. That means I have to cook my own food. I also need to be exercising twice a day, not every other day like I am now. Thankfully I am healthy enough to do this. Before, I would have done extreme calorie restriction, but I know that's not going to work because it will slow down my metabolism. So I am going to stick to my minimum Weight Watchers points and get in as many exercise points during the day as I can. Okay, I'm starting to get pumped for my workout. This is going to feel good and it's going to make me look good! I am going to enjoy this! This will bring me closer to my goal!

Blegh, getting motivated again

This Saturday at Weight Watchers the instructor talked about motivation. It was the first time I had been in a couple of weeks, and I really needed to get motivated again. I told myself I was kind of following the plan, but I wasn't tracking or counting or making sure I got enough fruit, etc. I had a late night Jack In the Box binge again, which I foolishly do about once every other month. I ate way way way too much! So I definitely needed to get my motivation back. One thing I decided to help is to use the idea of an anti-charity. I heard about it on one of those news lite shows in the morning, where this website is doing it. Basically, you have certain values, and you decide that every time you engage in an undesirable behavior, gain a pound, etc. (whatever you decide), you donate money to an organization that stands for the opposite of what you believe in. I am strongly pro-life, so from now on for every dollar I spend on Jack in the Box, I will donate a dollar to Planned Parenthood. That should get me to think twice when I have the munchies. It seems that no matter where I live, there is a Jack in the Box a few blocks away. Hopefully this means that problem is behind me.

As for the rest of the stuff I eat, I still needed re-motivation. I seem to be motivated by fear, so since I already AM this fat, there's no motivator of "I don't want to get fat". However, I just learned that my flaky and inconsiderate (but thin and beautiful) sister in law is getting married in a month in another state and wants my husband and I to be there. So suddenly I have a very good reason why I need to ramp up my weight loss efforts. Sitting at the computer writing about this isn't the optimal way to lose pounds, but I am going to include a picture in this post. In a month, I'll post another picture and hopefully there will be a noticeable difference. My plan is to make sure that I don't get tempted to cut calories too drastically so my metabolism doesn't slow. I'll keep eating my allotted 25 points a day, try to use as few of my weekly flex points as possible, and exercise like crazy. I was up 30 lbs. from last year, now it's 26.5. So I am hoping that I can lose 16.5 in a month (hey, reach for the stars) through sensible but rigorous means, and disguise the other ten by wearing flattering clothes.

I was starting to suspect that my antidepressant was causing weight gain, but also I was getting more depressed and it wasn't working. So I went to my psych, and he switched me. I've only been on the new one, Lexapro, 2 days now. He said SSRIs don't cause weight gain, but I have no idea why he thinks that since it seems to be the medical consensus that weight gain is one of the best known side effects. Anyway, my emotional cravings are back to normal—they had been higher for a couple of weeks—and I am feeling a little better. Don't know if that's placebo effect, or maybe because I got a new computer game :P but I'll take any improvement I can get.

Well I don't think anyone reads this anyway (it's just as well) but here is the nasty picture of me weighing 181.5 at 5'5".

A little progress

I took some Benadryl last night and it made me so groggy I forgot to set my alarm for my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. Oops. So I weighed in on my home scale for this week.

SW: 185

CW: 178

GW: 135

I am so jazzed that I made it to 178! I wanted to lose 2 lbs. a week to be at 165 for our anniversary. I actually lost 3 lbs. this week, so that gives me a good head start. I needed a short motivational mantra to tell myself when I didn't feel like following the program, or when I felt like vegging out on the couch with a bag of chips (or chocolate chips). I asked Yahoo Answers for motivational phrases, but didn't really get what I was looking for. Then I came up with one all by myself. "Today is the last day I will be this fat." Some might see it as a bit harsh, but to me, it encourages me to take it a day at a time and not to let one slip-up ruin the whole day or week. Even though I need to lose an average of 2 lbs. a week, I am not setting goal weights for every week, because that can backfire with me. I end up having some kind of slip-up, and then I tell myself that I'll never reach the week's goal weight so I might as well just stuff my face. Then the next day or week, I am tempted to starve to get back on track. That kind of yo-yoing is not healthy, but it is what I have done in the past. I am pleased to say that this time I have consumed a fairly consistent amount of calories from day to day. Yay me!

Once I lose 10 more, I will have so much more to wear. It seems to be coming off mainly my hips right now, so my pants will be the first to come back to me! Hooray!

Thought about it…

I took a bath and thought about how I'm feeling and what I wrote, so time for a quick update.

My fifth wedding anniversary is in about 8 weeks. If I adopt the tough but realistic goal of losing 2 pounds a week, I can lose about 15 pounds by then. That would put me at only 10-ish pounds above my pre-unemployment weight (since I gained 30 but have already lost 4), which I can hide by dressing smart and using the right undergarments. I would be at 165 at that point. Until this year, that was my all-time high, so it's an important number for me. It's like coming back from the stratosphere and down to something that I've known and dealt with before. My anniversary doesn't seem so far away, and I was thrilled! to discover that I could get back to a manageable number by then. 185 felt unmanageable, and 181 still feels a little hopeless. But if I can get back to 165, I at least know I've gotten thin from there before.

Here's how I'm going to do it (pretty simply): I am going to stick with my Weight Watchers plan and track every bite, sip, and nibble. I am going to aim for the recommended amount of liquids, fruits, vegetables, and oils. No food is off limits, as long as I stay within my allotted number of points for the day. I am, however, going to try to avoid beer, as it makes me bloated and leads me to want to overeat. However, if I really crave one, it's after 6, and I have enough points to "afford" it, then I can still have one. Also, no more random swigs of wine or other drinks before 6. The reason for that is that a couple of times, I thought I'd just have a glass of wine with my late lunch, and then it relaxed me too much, and then I just kind of ate and drank and chilled the rest of the day. It's embarrassing for me to admit, but I have to cut out the denial if I really want to change, so there you have it.

Today, I'm having a sick day, but there are a few things I can still do. I can look up a Weight Watchers meeting for tomorrow to get me back on track. I can dig out my tracker and write what I ate for the past two days plus today. (I usually do my meetings and start my tracking on Saturdays, but I missed this week because of a graduation I attended, and then used that as an excuse to not track my points Saturday or yesterday.) I will immediately resume measuring what I eat and drink so that my tracking will be accurate. I will cut out the picture of the flat-bellied model that led me to all this reflection, and put it somewhere it can inspire me daily. I will walk slowly on the elliptical for as long as reasonably possible. And perhaps most importantly, I will keep knitting and cross-stitch projects by the TV so I have something to do with my hands besides mindless snacking.

I'm gonna do this!!!

Pissed off!

I am really pissed right now. I was going through my Victoria's Secret catalog, and there was one skirt that showed off the model's flat belly. I am sitting at home, sick, unemployed, bloated, and fat. I am a little teary right now because I was stupid. I had a good figure. I had it twice, and I lost it because I was stupid. Once I worked so hard to get there, I started stuffing my face again because I was deluded. I thought that once I got skinny, I would be one of those girls that could eat whatever they wanted and not get fat. If that was true, how did I think I got fat in the first place? I know I have to work to maintain my figure, but I had it and I gave it up. Now it takes so much more work, all the time, probably for a year (and that's if I stick with it) just to get what I had before. I am so mad at myself. I went from 130 to 150-160 and maintained there for a while. That wasn't ideal, but would have been good enough. Now I'm 180. No part of me looks good. Even my once-reliable waist is now thick. My chin is fat. My fingers are fat. I can't hide from it. I am so sick of it. But then I get depressed and demotivated. It all seems like too much, and the comfort of eating is so much more immediate. I struggle every day between wanting to change the body that I hate so much and wanting to numb my body image depression with food.

I can't last this way for long. Once I get a job, I will have to fit into my work wardrobe. I used to go out all the time, but now I'm afraid to go out because I might see someone I know. Being unemployed for a year means I sit at home. I don't walk around campus like I used to. Even with exercise equipment here, I won't get to the level of exercise I got before. I probably spent an hour each day just walking to and from the parking lot and from class to class, and then I did cardio on top of that. Being unemployed also means I have access to my kitchen whenever the hell I want. If I get a whim, I don't have the rest of the class period for the craving to pass—I just waddle to the kitchen and satisfy the urge. I have effing red stretch marks on a part of my body that I used to consider my belly area, meaning suitable to show off in a swimsuit, but now is part of a hip, needing to be covered. Those will never go away, no matter what the lasers and creams promise. I used to feel sexy and even thought of sex as a good replacement for a workout sometimes. Now, even when I'm horny, I don't want to have actual sex because it's not sexy, it's gross, I'm gross. A blob of dimples and stretch marks flopping around—that's all I am in bed. Disgusting.

How could I let this happen? Whenever I saw fat people as a kid, I would wonder why they didn't start turning things around once they reached chubby. Now I know it's a stupid complicated delusion called denial. I can't blame it on my hard time anymore. Yeah, I've been unemployed for a year and gained 30 pounds in that year. But I also had all the time in the world to stop it from happening. I don't want to be this anymore. I don't want pictures of happy moments to be overshadowed by how fat I look. I don't need to have another issue in my brain. I need to harness this feeling, put it in a box, and crack it open whenever I feel like giving up. If I hadn't given up so many times in the past 2 months, I would have lost more than 4 pounds at Weight Watchers by now. I would have been below the 180 mark, which is no longer obese. I am teetering on the edge of obesity right now and I hate it and I want it to stop TODAY. I am hungrier for feeling good about myself than I will ever be for food. I have never wanted any food enough to come close to crying over it. But writing about my self-hatred is making me teary. I remember a couple of years ago, I went ice skating with my husband. I was wearing low rise jeans, and I fell face first onto the ice. I ended up scraping my hip and bruising my hip bone. That's how thin I was. I couldn't even get low rise jeans over my butt now. I need to remember this feeling of wanting to go back, and use it to motivate me when the challenge seems insurmountable.

SW: 185

CW: 181

GW: 135

Four pounds down, forty-six to go.

New Focus

I stopped blogging for a while because I changed my "no rules" approach to losing weight. Not that anyone reads or cares, but I have this thing where I change my approach all the time. It's something I'm kind of ashamed of, so I end up keeping it to myself whenever I change my own rules. I crave consistency in life, but sometimes things don't work and you have to try something else. The "no rules" approach was just too difficult for me. I continue to believe that it is a really good way to do things if you can. But there's being mindful and there's losing weight. I want both, but the latter does not necessarily require the former. I was using weight loss as a channel for learning mindfulness, but I think I need to learn them separately. Honestly, I want my jeans to fit again and the whole "be mindful in every moment" approach was just taking too long. I'm not looking for a quick fix, because I've had enough quick fixes to know that you always spring back to the way things were before. But I do need something that shows consistent results. For that, I joined Weight Watchers. I've been to four meetings so far and I've lost almost 4 pounds. I'm a little disappointed that it's not more, but the best part is that I am not fluctuating from week to week. It's always a move downward, no matter how slight.

I also had a big shake-up in my life. I don't want to go into too many details, but my husband and I were involved in a domestic dispute. The actual physical contact was mild (he picked me up and carried me a few feet against my will, and then I backhanded him), but for reasons I still don't understand, when I was alone in the bedroom about to go to bed, he called the police on me. Since he had slight redness from the slap, the police took me into custody where I spent three nights in jail. The prosecutor decided not to press charges and thought I probably shouldn't have been in jail. The three nights gave me a lot of perspective. I was all alone with nothing to do for the first day. Then a guard gave me some magazines that were two years old. I was cold, I had no pillow, the bright lights were always on, I had heartburn like mad, and I just cried and cried and cried. I worried about what this would do to my career. Even though I should have done it a year ago, I still have not fully processed my moral character application, which is a requirement to be admitted to the Bar. This is already a source of great shame and embarrassment for me. I worried that this would make it take even longer, that every potential employer would ask me to explain this incident. To my relief, it turned out that since I was released without a charge, nobody will find out about this unless I work at a high security government job.

I was so furious with my husband for putting me in this position when he knew the damage it would cause. There was really no explanation for what he did. Sure, I did not do the right thing when I slapped him, but involving the police? Aside from his physical size and strength and ability to protect himself, I was not even threatening him. At first I just wanted to leave, to go far away from my life and make a new start. I figured I could find an apartment in Texas or Idaho or someplace for $500 a month until I got a job there. The second day, I woke up thinking, why should I leave? I love my city, I love where I live. I was not the one at fault here, I was the victim. Why should I have to pack up and leave in shame? Let him find somewhere else to stay. I fantasized about the day I would get out--lying low until he went to work, and then surprising him at the office with a big red suitcase packed for him.

I wondered how much he knew. After all, the only phone call I made was to cancel a doctor's appointment I had that week. Nobody had to know. But in the back of my mind, as much as it would have been easy to hate him for it, I couldn't. I would have had fewer tears, more resolve, more fire in my belly if I could hate him. But I pictured him and how he must be. He probably wasn't able to eat. He probably didn't even watch TV. He was probably just sad, that way he gets when he just wants to sleep until everything goes away. I hoped he was sorry for what he did, and I worried that I couldn't take it if he wasn't. The more I obsessed about what he did and what he was doing and what he was going to do when I returned, the more I realized that he is my world. I've never had a friendship like the one I share with him. We don't communicate very well, but we'd been working on it. Sometimes we just understand each other so well, like two halves of the same person, and sometimes we seem to have grown up on different planets. He has shown me so much outside of myself and the world I knew. How could I hate someone with whom I shared the deepest friendship I'd ever known? I missed his smell, his puffy lips and his warm dry hands with the bruised knuckles. I missed the way he says words like "tour" and "jewelry". I missed the mystical eyes that couldn't be assigned a particular color. I was so nervous coming home. I didn't know if he was prepared for it.

I was released at dawn on a Wednesday, and I walked home. Funny they were more than willing to escort me there, but I was on my own to get home. I thanked fate for not sending me to the county facility—how would I have gotten home then, I wondered. I slipped into our apartment, grabbed my purse in the entryway, and slipped out again unnoticed. I took my car down to the ocean bluffs, walked to a coffee shop, and then strolled along, waiting. I still didn't know what I would do. Would I pack him a bag? Would I leave? Or would I give in to my sentiment and see how things went? On the way back home, I stopped to get gas, just in case. My card was declined, and I paid cash. When I got home, I spent an hour in the shower. Could I wash off the shame I felt for the situation in which I had found myself? I looked up my bank statement online. Overdrawn. Great. There goes the apartment in Texas. With my checking overdrawn and my credit card maxed out, I also worried how he would react when he found out. Would he wish I had stayed in jail, where at least he didn't have to provide me food and shelter? I decided to wait a few days, because now, suddenly, I needed him even more. I checked the fridge, which contained burgers, steaks, and beef stew. I guess he took advantage of the situation to eat the things I didn't buy.

Then the phone rang. I picked it up, thinking it might be him. It was his matter-of-fact matriarch grandmother. She wanted to know if I needed money for my moral character application. Clearing my throat and wiping away tears, I told her that I didn't want to accept her money without telling her the truth about my relationship with her grandson. I skimped on the details of the fight, but told her that I had spent the last three nights in jail and I wasn't sure where the relationship was headed. Her advice was just what I needed. In her straightforward way, she told me to be an adult and not to run away from my problems. She said all relationships have their struggles, especially when two strong-willed people are involved, and that it would be worth it to work it out. Then, without any sentimentality, she said she would send the money anyway, implying that she knew I would stay.

Still not ready to talk to my husband, I e-mailed him at work and asked if he could schedule a session with our marriage counselor that day. He replied immediately and was able to do it. We met with the counselor and talked a little, and I knew that things were going to at least be safe and civil at home. I was satisfied with that for the time being.

It's been a few weeks now since all this happened. He kept me waiting for an apology, but he finally gave me one. I told him about the money and we worked out a financial plan that will carry us through until I start getting paid more. I feel that we have treated each other with so much more respect and kindness since this situation. We both saw how blessed we are and how much we have to lose if we don't make this relationship work. I was always taught that God can use bad situations to accomplish something good, and I am seeing that firsthand now.

Alcohol self-audit

I have been suspecting for some time that a principal factor in my weight gain, both recently and in patterns over the years, is alcohol. I am not looking forward to addressing this, but I've come to believe it's necessary.

Growing up, my parents never drank. I guess my grandma, the sweetest lady ever, was an alcoholic. She had a hard life, and drinking was an escape for her. My mom knew that that was in her genes, and because her mom's alcoholism was so hard for her, she never wanted to have any alcohol herself.

When I started dating my husband, he was a bit of a drinker. When I went out with him, people would think I was older and I would often not get carded as I would if I was with friends. He is 4 years older than me, so early on in college I only had alcohol when I went to his place or to a nice restaurant. When we got married (I was 19), I got used to having it around, and he would get me drinks at clubs or parties. When I turned 21, I already knew what I liked. I fancied myself a bit of a connoisseur. In law school, I enjoyed everything from wine to beer to hard liquor. I never got drunk when I went out, and only occasionally got drunk at home. I never did anything dangerous like driving after drinking, and I never missed class because of a hangover like some of my classmates. When I was on periods of low carb dieting, I would only drink rum and diet coke, or red wine.

But sometime in there, I started to think my husband drank too much. He's a big guy and has been a moderately heavy drinker for years, so having four or five drinks barely buzzes him. Well, I'm learning now that a lot of times when I have a habit that I don't like in myself, I point it out in my husband and blame him for it. So when I thought he was drinking too much, it may have meant that I thought I was drinking too much. The family I was raised in didn't really give me an idea as to what level of drinking was healthy and responsible, and what was too much.

While studying for the bar exam, I avoided alcohol. I had a glass of wine here or a couple of beers with friends there, but for the most part abstained. After I finished the exam, I popped the champagne cork and the relieved celebratory drinking did not really slow down for a couple of months. I would take swigs of liquor during the day, which I thought wasn't a big deal. But when I type it, I cringe a little, knowing it sounds bad. I cut back a couple of months ago, but because I have been drinking like a guy for a few years and I'm heavier than I've ever been, I have a pretty high toleration. Some nights I don't keep mental tab of how much I've had. I don't get drunk, but the drinks are adding up and giving me cause to reconsider my habits. And that little feeling of guilt or shame is telling me I need to grow up and stop drinking as much as a college kid. The fact that I think I have more refined tastes doesn't excuse the amount I drink. The calories are really adding up. I think this is a big part of why I gained 20 lbs after the bar exam.

For me, the bigger deal is my family's history of alcoholism. I did a couple of self-tests online, and they show a high probability that I am abusing alcohol, but they indicate that I'm not yet alcohol-dependent, another term for alcoholism. If I keep abusing alcohol, it could turn into dependence, and then I'll have to forgo it forever (or be an alcoholic, which isn't an option). Alcohol abuse help websites say that most people who determine to cut back are able to do it without a problem. If you have a problem cutting back, they say, it indicates you may be alcohol dependent. So, I have determined to set some guidelines for myself.

As everyone reading this blog knows, I am against hard and fast diet rules. But I feel like alcohol is kind of a different animal. With food, you have to eat or else you will die ("breathatarians" notwithstanding). If you don't listen to your body telling you what kind of food you need, you might suffer from deficiencies. But nobody needs alcohol. If it's doing something to you that you don't like, you can just give it up. With food, your stomach indicates that you are full, and then you (ideally) stop eating. With alcohol, the more your body gets the more it wants. So since built-in systems don't really help with alcohol intake, and since I want more than is good for me, I will have to give myself some rules. The incentive is for me, if I find myself unable to stick to the rules I give myself, I will join AA. That's a huge incentive to stick to the rules. I do not want to give up all alcohol forever. It would be like giving up chocolate or coffee forever. Joining AA is a lifetime membership, and for people I know that have done it, it is lifechanging and in some ways life-defining.

Since I don't want to have to do that, and since I am serious about sticking to these rules, I have made rules that are easy enough to follow once I get in the habit. The first month of a habit change is always the hardest, right? And I've been at this for two days already. Score! So my new Rule of Twos, which I will stick to for the rest of the year, is as follows: No more than two beers or sugary drinks per week and no more than two drinks on any given night. That doesn't mean I will have two drinks every night, but I can if I want to. In addition, in order to accommodate for holidays and other festivities, I am allowed to have up to four drinks on one night per calendar month. Like I said, this rule is pretty lax, but it is something I can stick to, which is important, and it also encourages me to keep track of what I drink, which puts a halt to random swigs while cooking or cleaning the kitchen. I think the limit on beers is especially important, since beer contains maltose, which spikes blood sugar more than eating sugar cubes on white bread, causing cravings. The liver also likes to deposit the resulting fat on the front of the belly, which is something I would rather have flat, thank you very much. I love English stouts and Belgian ales, so this part of it will be a little tough, but I will just have to make sure I enjoy and savor what I do have. And that's the whole point, right?

Here is a copy/paste from About.com regarding signs of alcohol abuse or dependence. Number 1 and 3 apply to me.

• Have you ever felt you should Cut down on your drinking?
  
  
• Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
  
  
• Have you ever felt bad or Guilty about your drinking?
  
  
• Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover (Eye opener)?

One "yes" response suggests a possible alcohol problem. If you responded "yes" to more than one question, it is highly likely that a problem exists.

Whip it!

Hello!

So I've been doing pretty well this week and I'm actually looking forward to my monthly weigh-in! I hope so badly that the uptick was just a fluke. I was steady at 174, and then while I was eating normally and starting to exercise more, it went up to 177 again! I am really hoping that I was just retaining water or something. All those years I thought I was fat in the 140s and 150s, I never thought I would be excited to be in the 160s. I wish I appreciated what I had. But the good news for me is that I don't have any medical condition (other than "aging") that precludes me from getting back to that. Also, I remember that my diet was not restrictive at those weights, and that I could have what I wanted in moderation. If I could get to 130 like that, it would be ideal, but I am willing to settle for higher if it means a more relaxed lifestyle.

My personal goal is to be below 144, because that is the weight I would have to be at if I wanted to join JAG, an idea I've been toying with. Coincidentally, it's also the weight I was the day I got married. I was size 8 or could squeeze into a 6. I have a picture of me on my honeymoon, at a baseball game, wearing white pants and a tube top and looking very cute. The pants won't even come up my thighs now, but hopefully the weight will come off just by reversing the habits that put it on. At 130, I would be comfy in a 6 and could maybe squeeze into a 4. My new motto is not "I think I can" but "I CAN DO IT!" I just tell that to myself whenever I feel hopeless about the situation.

Exercise has been going better. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but the gym I had been going to went out of business in August. It was privately owned and felt like a spacious New York loft. The owner was always there and would greet me as I came in, asking me how I was doing, how bar study was coming along, and encouraging me that the I was in the right place and I would pass the test. It was never stuffy or overly air conditioned, just cooled by the ocean breeze. It had all the big screen and personal TVs my little ADHD brain could want. It was never crowded, the people who were there had good attitudes but pretty much left me alone. And it was three blocks away. Basically, it was the ideal place for me because it made me actually WANT to go. All the gyms in the area now are $65 a month and up, located near a crowded mall area, and are way too trendy for a square like me.

So, I got the Chuck Norris approved Total Gym and put it in the spare room. The older models go for about $300. For the most part, I really like it. I was able to find replacement exercises on it for all the stuff the free trainer session at the gym taught me. It's kind of fun, and it takes less time than weight lifting at the gym because you don't have to go to a new machine for each exercise. But, sometimes I like a little more energy, a little more pressure. I kind of like being in a gym with a bunch of guys and pretending that they are watching me to see if I will finish the set with good form. I like trying to run faster than the person next to me. What I do now is open the window and hope a neighbor walks by. Not quite the same, but it's something.

Also, my curvy hips and chest (even when I'm much thinner) appreciate the non-impact exercise an elliptical machine offers. Now my cardio options are pretty much limited to jumproping in the alley or going for a walk/jog. With all the stop lights around here, street cycling won't get my heart rate up. I'm afraid to ride fast on the boardwalk because one time some kids jumped out in front of me at a sandy spot and I almost fell off my bike trying to brake. Well, that and the pedestrians, who have their own sidewalk just a few feet from the bike path insist on walking on the well-marked "bike only" path in large groups and then looking at me like I'm the rude one for ringing my little bike bell to pass them. Grr. I usually only run on the treadmill, and only when I'm below 150 (so it's easier on my joints), but now outdoor running is pretty much what I have to do, and it's uncomfortable. My chiropractor, who's a marathon runner, told me that I should power walk with spurts of jogging until my body can handle more sustained jogging. I've never been very athletic, but I used to go to the gym very regularly, and it sucks to be in this position of starting almost from scratch. The good news is that with only 10 or so full workouts on the Total Gym over the last couple of weeks, I am already able to increase the resistance a notch and my husband is telling me I look more toned in my neck and arms. Yay for that! But I know that for me, it's the cardio that really helps me lose.

To encourage myself to do more cardio, I gave myself an incentive. I bought an MP3 player to replace the old one that died last summer. A lightweight 2GB one with a screen was only $30 on the Creative website, came with a sports armband, headphones, and a charger. So even though I'm almost broke, I figured it was cheaper than buying an elliptical. Hey, I'll get the elliptical when I get a job. And it's definitely cheaper than diabetes or heart disease, both of which run in my family and correlate with overweight-ness.

Inspired and making progress

I finally figured out how to search Blogspot for blogs like mine, and I pretty much spent all day yesterday doing that! I was so inspired by everyone that I have been doing better ever since. I do not want to be a whiner. I want to have one of those blogs that inspires others. But at the same time, I want to be real about it because I suspect there are plenty of former bulimics who have found themselves with a weight problem they aren't sure how to tackle in a health-affirming way. After being so messed up, it isn't easy. I guess with me the key is to saturate myself in literature and personal experiences so that I constantly feel inspired to make good choices. Isn't that much nicer than relying on diet rules and sheer willpower?

I went to Whole Foods and got some pre-cut fruit. It's expensive, but if I just keep at it for a week or so, I should be in the habit of eating more fruit by then. A few extra bucks to ingrain a healthy habit? Priceless.

Yay, my first comment! Shoutout to Sher Khan over at http://longliveandprosper.blogspot.com/. I am feeling very optimistic today. I finally just told my husband that I needed his help for a few days to get me started. I was having a hard time getting up early enough to work out and told him last night that today I would do it. He was planning on getting up a little before me and then making sure I got up to exercise. Well, as it turned out, I woke up with his first alarm, but he kept hitting snooze. I lazed around for a while, and used him not waking up as an excuse to not work out. Then I sat on the bed and talked with him. The point is, I usually find myself getting upset that he didn't help me, and blame my failure on him. But I caught myself this time. I told him "You're using me as an excuse not to get up, and I'm using you as an excuse not to work out, so I'll just leave the room and get rid of both excuses." And I got up and got ready and had a great workout! Yay for me! I guess I don't need as much help as I thought!

I was feeling so optimistic that I decided to check the scale even though I usually only check it once a month. Um, bad idea. I had a gain of 1.5 pounds! I just have to tell myself that it is highly unlikely that I actually gained 1.5 pounds of fat in 2 weeks of trying to eat healthy and exercise. Sure, I might not have lost any, but it's really unlikely that I had 5,000 extra calories or however many it takes to gain 1.5 pounds of fat. Right? Right. Maybe one step back means next I'll get two steps forward? So from now on, to avoid unnecessary freakouts, I will only weigh in monthly.

Just FYI for the ladies, you are at your skinniest a day or two after the last day of menstruation. When I was maintaining around 150, I would only weigh in first thing in the morning on that day every month, and my weight stayed remarkably consistent. This is a good antedote to the frustrating "I gained 2 pounds today!" scenario.

Rainy Days and Mondays

It is raining so hard outside! Isn't this supposed to be California? Today is hard because I don't feel like working out, I feel like vegging on the couch! I am feeling a little down today.

When I woke up, I was excited that it was cooler outside, since it's been in the 70s and 80s lately. This meant I could go for a walk/jog without getting too hot. But then it started raining hard! There goes my plan to jog to the natural foods store 15 blocks from here to get more fruit!

I've been on Vyvanse for my ADHD, but I'm almost out, so I took one of my husband's Adderall, which I used to be on as well. I didn't have that late night hunger that I often experience, and I was tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable time. I only switched to Vyvanse because my psychiatrist suggested it. True, it's not as jerky a ride as Adderall as far as focusing on tasks is concerned, but it suppresses hunger to the point of nausea. Then when it wears off, however gently, I become very hungry. The Adderall didn't seem as extreme that way. The Adderall doesn't last as long, but now that I'm not burning the candle at both ends, that shouldn't be much of a problem. I am wondering if I should switch back! But I can't lie, a lot of my motivation to do so is from the fact that I gained all this weight after switching from Adderall to Vyvanse. It may just be coincidence, as I had so much change going on in my life at the same time, but it's still on my mind. I don't want to do it for the wrong reason, so I really need to examine my motives.

I try to be upbeat in this blog, but honestly, the past week or so, I just want to cry when I get a glimpse of my body in the mirror. I feel like I don't even know my body anymore. The weight came on so fast. I am used to being curvy, but with toned arms and stomach. Now there is nothing on my whole body that I am confident about. Even my usually clear skin is breaking out. I need to find a way to use those feelings to motivate change, but my more instinctual reaction is thinking that I can't change it and shouldn't bother.

A partner would be good. I need someone who is going to call or email almost every day, and help me be accountable. Someone who won't accept my lame excuses. I would love for my husband to be that person, but for him to be interested he would have to think I have a problem. Since he is a big guy, he still thinks I'm little and doesn't see me as overweight or unhealthy. Plus I think he feels threatened by my changes, thinking that he will be forced to do the same (which may not be completely off base, heh heh).

Well, off to the store to get some fruit!

My challenge progress and an impediment

I have been doing okay on my fruit challenge. I have had 1 or 2 fruits a day since I started, which is better than the 0-1 I was having before, but not exactly fulfilling my goal. I don't want to be making excuses for myself, but eating lots of fresh fruit means going to the grocery store a lot, which I don't necessarily want to do because I don't want to be seen in public, I'm uncomfortable in my clothes, and I don't have the money to do lots of shopping. Okay, as I re-read that last sentence I see I am definitely making excuses for myself. 1) Most people that see me in public don't know what I used to look like, so they are not thinking about how bad it's gotten. Most people are too consumed with themselves to notice me anyway. 2) I can handle squeezing into tight jeans for a quick walk to the store if it will ultimately help those jeans to fit more loosely. 3) I am spending more money if I stock up on junk food (or pseudo-health food) every week than if I walk to the store for fruit every couple of days. Plus the walk helps me burn more calories. So no more excuses!

I have been doing okay on my exercise. What seems to keep impeding me is the whole morning schedule thing. If I wake up late, it feels too late to exercise because it will take up so much time (so then I watch some TV and eat. Great.), but I am having a hard time getting up early. Compounding the problem is that my husband has been going to work later lately, and I don't know why. I snapped at him today, when it was 11:30 and he still had not left. Our weight system at home is right next to the office, and I play music from the office so the door needs to be open, and I do not need him gawking at me or smirking at my noises while I'm trying to get buff! I guess I need to resolve that no matter how late I get up or no matter how late my guy leaves for work, I will work out on schedule, first thing when I get up. Maybe if I crank the music up loud enough, he'll want to leave. I'll try modern jazz tomorrow morning, he hates that stuff.

I don't mean to sound cruel. My husband is the world to me. It's just that his habits are so entrenched that it creates this huge amount of inertia in our relationship. If I want to try to do anything for myself, it's like I have to have the willpower for two: one for me to do it and one to work around his impeding habit. It's like that for drinking less, eating healthier, exercising more, and getting to bed earlier. It is so much harder to do those things when your other half doesn't! What is especially unfair is when I work so hard at creating a new good habit and, like a dolphin behind a motorboat, he rides off my hard work to volley himself ahead. He ends up doing way better than me at the habit and getting all the credit for himself. We went to Hawaii about a year ago, and although I had been struggling to lose weight before I ever knew about that vacation, he quietly decided two months in advance that he wanted to lose weight. He joined a gym, ate a little less, and never talked about it. Four months later, he had lost 40 lbs and everyone was telling him how great he looked. It helped me to eat better and work out more, but my results were anything but dramatic. I feel like I fight and struggle for miniscule victories, and he stubbornly stays the same despite my pleading for support. But when he decides on his own to give it a try, he has such an easy time of it. He must wonder why I am such a failure.

Dealing with failure

Hi folks! Anyone out there yet? Post a one word comment to let me know you're reading! It would be a great encouragement!

I spent Friday and Saturday with two friends who are on traditional diets, the kind I've failed dozens of times and don't have the heart to attempt again. We were refreshingly honest with each other, sharing our goals and ideals, but I didn't yet manage to tell them about my eating disordered past, about why I am approaching it the way I am. I have only ever told one friend about it. Another found out through a blog that I wasn't trying very hard to hide (I think I wanted to be found out). I told my mom and sister when one of them made an oblique reference to something related. Turns out they had both struggled with similar issues, though I have yet to learn the extent in the two or so years since that conversation. So this stuff is hard for me to talk about to folks I know.

Since I got back home from seeing my friends, I have had very strong desires to binge eat, which I have not controlled very well. I am looking for a job, so I am home alone all day, and it is so hard to control those destructive urges. I am feeling pretty down on myself and find myself wondering if I will ever lose the weight. I seem to have a lot of ups and downs, from being excited about getting healthy to giving up out of despondence. It doesn't help that money shortages preclude many other forms of entertainment. I put off getting in the shower in the morning because I hate having to wear tight jeans all day or settling for sweats again. I am starting to feel like a stereotype of a fat lady. At 177 lbs, 5'6", I am definitely overweight, but I am not morbidly obese or anything. I tell myself that, but what it really comes down to is that I am uncomfortable in my own skin.

When I feel that severe discomfort in my own skin, it is food, ironically, that provides a temporary numbness. The pleasure of eating and that feeling of fullness provide a satisfaction that takes my mind off my ongoing body problems and goals. I don't need to tell you it doesn't last.

Another problem is that for all my soapboxing and goal-setting, I have to admit that I have yet to eat a meal in silence, away from the TV. For some, that would be fine. For me, it is an unhealthy pattern. If I finish the meal and the show is still on, I grab a snack. If I finish the show but still have some snack left, I start another show. You see how that can get out of control. In order to start changing that, I promise myself that today I will eat at least one snack or meal with no distractions.

As in one of my favorite movies, What About Bob?, the key to dealing with failure is "baby steps". Gaaahh I wish it could be "giant leap for mankind" steps!

Emotional eating, fruit challenge, and going to bed on time

Can someone comment and tell me what "DH" stands for? I've seen it in others' posts and assume it refers to one's husband, but I'm not sure.

So, speaking of which, I had an argument with my husband over the weekend that I let get the best of me. I ate when I wasn't hungry and ate things I didn't even want much. I've gotta figure out a "next best" to soothe me in those moments without turning to comfort food. A punching bag would be good! I'm kind of kidding, but actually I might look into it! I chew violently when I'm upset, so if I can do something else physical, but not something I have to put on workout clothes for, then I can use that to feel better. Of course, I could always go on a jog, but it doesn't work very well as my Plan A because, seriously, am I really going to go on a jog?

My challenge of the week or next two weeks, depending on how long it takes to do well, is to eat more fruit. I love the taste and texture of most fruits, but I tend to forgo them in favor of dessert or a drink. I like to have a salty food and then a sweet food, so I usually wouldn't have, for example, fruit and then dessert. But if I think "fruit for dessert," it's almost stoic, like I'm undertaking this huge diet task. So I am at about 1 fruit per day on a good day, and my goal is to have 2-3 fruits per day. Having them as snacks seems easiest to start with, and then I'll incorporate them into meals as I progress.

Another challenge that I've been working on since the New Year is going to bed earlier. I won't bore with all the reasons it's difficult, since it's similar for most people. I want to do it because when I go to bed at 4AM, I have probably not eaten the healthiest dinner, and I've probably had some snacks, and maybe a few drinks and some late night Jack-in-the-Box (my only fast food weakness!). And then I get up and think, "well I have so much to do, I had better not waste time on a workout." Bad idea! So I was doing pretty well for about 2 weeks, but then I got sick, and let myself sleep in until the afternoon, and what do you know I wasn't tired until late late late that evening! I usually fall asleep at lightning speed, and I hate when it takes 15 minutes to fall asleep and I'm just lying there trying to breathe deeply or something. Falling asleep is one of the only things for which trying actually hinders progress! So my goal in that area is to start getting ready for bed at midnight, be in bed by 12:30, and have lights out by 1:30. If I don't fall asleep in 15 minutes or so, I can read some more, but I should at least give it a chance.

One bit of progress is that I craved tomato-ey sauce, as I often do, and instead of ordering a pizza with extra sauce, I had some low fat organic creamy tomato soup. I wouldn't count it as progress if the soup didn't satisfy my craving, but it really did! That's a good example of what I'm trying to do with balancing nutrition and satisfaction--pretty much having the healthiest satisfying version of whatever I crave. I could have told myself "I should have more protein in my dinner" but I feel like if my body is craving protein it'll tell me. More often, if I really think about it, I don't know what the heck I want to eat. So if I am craving something, I'll pretty much acknowledge it in some way. (I'm reminding myself that I don't want to use the word "indulge" since it's not a sin to eat what one craves.)

Starting all over again

I tend to be verbose, but in an effort to get readers I will try to stop myself! Okay. The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my weight loss struggles and accomplishments so that I will have a way to hold myself accountable without rambling to my friends about it. I guess I'm too proud to admit to my friends that I'm unhappy with my weight. Plus there's always that awkward moment where they feel like they have to say "but you're about to die, eat a sandwich!" even though I'm just a few pounds away from obese. So hopefully other people seeking healthful weight loss will find this blog and we can just be real with each other.

I'm trying to avoid the word "diet" because all the diets I've been on have failed. I've heard it said that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing repeatedly while expecting a different result. For me, "diets" don't work. Sure, I'll lose weight as long as I can stick to it, but that's only so long. What I found out from the article in January 2009 O Magazine "You Don't Need More Willpower" (12 stars out of 10! Seriously, read it!) was that rules make me feel comfortable when I stick to them and have the allure of rebelling against them when I want to feel dangerous. So for me, they breed these incredible highs and lows, emotionally and in terms of weight! See, a diet gives rules that you decide one day to stick to. Then until you decide to break it, the diet makes all the decisions for you. For me, it was almost a way to avoid mindfulness. So this effort is about making conscious decisions. I am going to consider what I want as far as nutrition and satisfaction, and make choices based on the circumstances of that moment. I am going to make each decision about what I eat.

With an eating disordered past, I studied calorie counts and fat grams like it was my major. I know the USDA food pyramid like it was tattooed on the back of my hand. I don't need any more guidelines telling me what to do because I know what's good for me and I know what I like. I don't need a diet book, because that can't teach me to care enough about myself to give me things that I like and that are good for me.

I'm also going to try to avoid words like "indulge" and "decadent," because they connotate sin, and for crying out loud, eating chocolate is not a sin! I am a Christian, and I believe gluttony (overstuffing yourself) is a sin, but since we are freed from Old Testament food laws, no food is sinful to consume. I respect my Jewish friends who disagree with this belief, but to me it is very freeing and comforting to know that God doesn't look down on me for eating what I want, as long as it's in moderation.

But I hope the above doesn't sound dogmatic, because really this period in my life has involved a lot of questioning. With increased mindfulness comes questions in my faith that I had forced out of my thoughts until now. I am also learning things about myself, even through dreams, that I had been choosing to ignore before. And when I think about a legal career, it doesn't always bring happy thoughts. I am questioning whether I'm really cut out for this and whether this is really what I want to do with my life. But so many people would be let down if I chose to become anything else right now. All this self doubt seems to literally weigh me down, so I will blog about it as it pertains to my weight loss efforts.

Not all my posts will be this long, but I just wanted to introduce anyone out there to who I am right now and what I'm trying to do with this blog. I feel happy feelings towards anyone who read all this! Yeah, I won't talk like this when I'm arguing cases before a judge. Bye for now!

CW: 174 yikes!
GW: 125-130
H: 5'6"