I finally figured out how to search Blogspot for blogs like mine, and I pretty much spent all day yesterday doing that! I was so inspired by everyone that I have been doing better ever since. I do not want to be a whiner. I want to have one of those blogs that inspires others. But at the same time, I want to be real about it because I suspect there are plenty of former bulimics who have found themselves with a weight problem they aren't sure how to tackle in a health-affirming way. After being so messed up, it isn't easy. I guess with me the key is to saturate myself in literature and personal experiences so that I constantly feel inspired to make good choices. Isn't that much nicer than relying on diet rules and sheer willpower?
I went to Whole Foods and got some pre-cut fruit. It's expensive, but if I just keep at it for a week or so, I should be in the habit of eating more fruit by then. A few extra bucks to ingrain a healthy habit? Priceless.
Yay, my first comment! Shoutout to Sher Khan over at http://longliveandprosper.blogspot.com/. I am feeling very optimistic today. I finally just told my husband that I needed his help for a few days to get me started. I was having a hard time getting up early enough to work out and told him last night that today I would do it. He was planning on getting up a little before me and then making sure I got up to exercise. Well, as it turned out, I woke up with his first alarm, but he kept hitting snooze. I lazed around for a while, and used him not waking up as an excuse to not work out. Then I sat on the bed and talked with him. The point is, I usually find myself getting upset that he didn't help me, and blame my failure on him. But I caught myself this time. I told him "You're using me as an excuse not to get up, and I'm using you as an excuse not to work out, so I'll just leave the room and get rid of both excuses." And I got up and got ready and had a great workout! Yay for me! I guess I don't need as much help as I thought!
I was feeling so optimistic that I decided to check the scale even though I usually only check it once a month. Um, bad idea. I had a gain of 1.5 pounds! I just have to tell myself that it is highly unlikely that I actually gained 1.5 pounds of fat in 2 weeks of trying to eat healthy and exercise. Sure, I might not have lost any, but it's really unlikely that I had 5,000 extra calories or however many it takes to gain 1.5 pounds of fat. Right? Right. Maybe one step back means next I'll get two steps forward? So from now on, to avoid unnecessary freakouts, I will only weigh in monthly.
Just FYI for the ladies, you are at your skinniest a day or two after the last day of menstruation. When I was maintaining around 150, I would only weigh in first thing in the morning on that day every month, and my weight stayed remarkably consistent. This is a good antedote to the frustrating "I gained 2 pounds today!" scenario.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Rainy Days and Mondays
It is raining so hard outside! Isn't this supposed to be California? Today is hard because I don't feel like working out, I feel like vegging on the couch! I am feeling a little down today.
When I woke up, I was excited that it was cooler outside, since it's been in the 70s and 80s lately. This meant I could go for a walk/jog without getting too hot. But then it started raining hard! There goes my plan to jog to the natural foods store 15 blocks from here to get more fruit!
I've been on Vyvanse for my ADHD, but I'm almost out, so I took one of my husband's Adderall, which I used to be on as well. I didn't have that late night hunger that I often experience, and I was tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable time. I only switched to Vyvanse because my psychiatrist suggested it. True, it's not as jerky a ride as Adderall as far as focusing on tasks is concerned, but it suppresses hunger to the point of nausea. Then when it wears off, however gently, I become very hungry. The Adderall didn't seem as extreme that way. The Adderall doesn't last as long, but now that I'm not burning the candle at both ends, that shouldn't be much of a problem. I am wondering if I should switch back! But I can't lie, a lot of my motivation to do so is from the fact that I gained all this weight after switching from Adderall to Vyvanse. It may just be coincidence, as I had so much change going on in my life at the same time, but it's still on my mind. I don't want to do it for the wrong reason, so I really need to examine my motives.
I try to be upbeat in this blog, but honestly, the past week or so, I just want to cry when I get a glimpse of my body in the mirror. I feel like I don't even know my body anymore. The weight came on so fast. I am used to being curvy, but with toned arms and stomach. Now there is nothing on my whole body that I am confident about. Even my usually clear skin is breaking out. I need to find a way to use those feelings to motivate change, but my more instinctual reaction is thinking that I can't change it and shouldn't bother.
A partner would be good. I need someone who is going to call or email almost every day, and help me be accountable. Someone who won't accept my lame excuses. I would love for my husband to be that person, but for him to be interested he would have to think I have a problem. Since he is a big guy, he still thinks I'm little and doesn't see me as overweight or unhealthy. Plus I think he feels threatened by my changes, thinking that he will be forced to do the same (which may not be completely off base, heh heh).
Well, off to the store to get some fruit!
When I woke up, I was excited that it was cooler outside, since it's been in the 70s and 80s lately. This meant I could go for a walk/jog without getting too hot. But then it started raining hard! There goes my plan to jog to the natural foods store 15 blocks from here to get more fruit!
I've been on Vyvanse for my ADHD, but I'm almost out, so I took one of my husband's Adderall, which I used to be on as well. I didn't have that late night hunger that I often experience, and I was tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable time. I only switched to Vyvanse because my psychiatrist suggested it. True, it's not as jerky a ride as Adderall as far as focusing on tasks is concerned, but it suppresses hunger to the point of nausea. Then when it wears off, however gently, I become very hungry. The Adderall didn't seem as extreme that way. The Adderall doesn't last as long, but now that I'm not burning the candle at both ends, that shouldn't be much of a problem. I am wondering if I should switch back! But I can't lie, a lot of my motivation to do so is from the fact that I gained all this weight after switching from Adderall to Vyvanse. It may just be coincidence, as I had so much change going on in my life at the same time, but it's still on my mind. I don't want to do it for the wrong reason, so I really need to examine my motives.
I try to be upbeat in this blog, but honestly, the past week or so, I just want to cry when I get a glimpse of my body in the mirror. I feel like I don't even know my body anymore. The weight came on so fast. I am used to being curvy, but with toned arms and stomach. Now there is nothing on my whole body that I am confident about. Even my usually clear skin is breaking out. I need to find a way to use those feelings to motivate change, but my more instinctual reaction is thinking that I can't change it and shouldn't bother.
A partner would be good. I need someone who is going to call or email almost every day, and help me be accountable. Someone who won't accept my lame excuses. I would love for my husband to be that person, but for him to be interested he would have to think I have a problem. Since he is a big guy, he still thinks I'm little and doesn't see me as overweight or unhealthy. Plus I think he feels threatened by my changes, thinking that he will be forced to do the same (which may not be completely off base, heh heh).
Well, off to the store to get some fruit!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My challenge progress and an impediment
I have been doing okay on my fruit challenge. I have had 1 or 2 fruits a day since I started, which is better than the 0-1 I was having before, but not exactly fulfilling my goal. I don't want to be making excuses for myself, but eating lots of fresh fruit means going to the grocery store a lot, which I don't necessarily want to do because I don't want to be seen in public, I'm uncomfortable in my clothes, and I don't have the money to do lots of shopping. Okay, as I re-read that last sentence I see I am definitely making excuses for myself. 1) Most people that see me in public don't know what I used to look like, so they are not thinking about how bad it's gotten. Most people are too consumed with themselves to notice me anyway. 2) I can handle squeezing into tight jeans for a quick walk to the store if it will ultimately help those jeans to fit more loosely. 3) I am spending more money if I stock up on junk food (or pseudo-health food) every week than if I walk to the store for fruit every couple of days. Plus the walk helps me burn more calories. So no more excuses!
I have been doing okay on my exercise. What seems to keep impeding me is the whole morning schedule thing. If I wake up late, it feels too late to exercise because it will take up so much time (so then I watch some TV and eat. Great.), but I am having a hard time getting up early. Compounding the problem is that my husband has been going to work later lately, and I don't know why. I snapped at him today, when it was 11:30 and he still had not left. Our weight system at home is right next to the office, and I play music from the office so the door needs to be open, and I do not need him gawking at me or smirking at my noises while I'm trying to get buff! I guess I need to resolve that no matter how late I get up or no matter how late my guy leaves for work, I will work out on schedule, first thing when I get up. Maybe if I crank the music up loud enough, he'll want to leave. I'll try modern jazz tomorrow morning, he hates that stuff.
I don't mean to sound cruel. My husband is the world to me. It's just that his habits are so entrenched that it creates this huge amount of inertia in our relationship. If I want to try to do anything for myself, it's like I have to have the willpower for two: one for me to do it and one to work around his impeding habit. It's like that for drinking less, eating healthier, exercising more, and getting to bed earlier. It is so much harder to do those things when your other half doesn't! What is especially unfair is when I work so hard at creating a new good habit and, like a dolphin behind a motorboat, he rides off my hard work to volley himself ahead. He ends up doing way better than me at the habit and getting all the credit for himself. We went to Hawaii about a year ago, and although I had been struggling to lose weight before I ever knew about that vacation, he quietly decided two months in advance that he wanted to lose weight. He joined a gym, ate a little less, and never talked about it. Four months later, he had lost 40 lbs and everyone was telling him how great he looked. It helped me to eat better and work out more, but my results were anything but dramatic. I feel like I fight and struggle for miniscule victories, and he stubbornly stays the same despite my pleading for support. But when he decides on his own to give it a try, he has such an easy time of it. He must wonder why I am such a failure.
I have been doing okay on my exercise. What seems to keep impeding me is the whole morning schedule thing. If I wake up late, it feels too late to exercise because it will take up so much time (so then I watch some TV and eat. Great.), but I am having a hard time getting up early. Compounding the problem is that my husband has been going to work later lately, and I don't know why. I snapped at him today, when it was 11:30 and he still had not left. Our weight system at home is right next to the office, and I play music from the office so the door needs to be open, and I do not need him gawking at me or smirking at my noises while I'm trying to get buff! I guess I need to resolve that no matter how late I get up or no matter how late my guy leaves for work, I will work out on schedule, first thing when I get up. Maybe if I crank the music up loud enough, he'll want to leave. I'll try modern jazz tomorrow morning, he hates that stuff.
I don't mean to sound cruel. My husband is the world to me. It's just that his habits are so entrenched that it creates this huge amount of inertia in our relationship. If I want to try to do anything for myself, it's like I have to have the willpower for two: one for me to do it and one to work around his impeding habit. It's like that for drinking less, eating healthier, exercising more, and getting to bed earlier. It is so much harder to do those things when your other half doesn't! What is especially unfair is when I work so hard at creating a new good habit and, like a dolphin behind a motorboat, he rides off my hard work to volley himself ahead. He ends up doing way better than me at the habit and getting all the credit for himself. We went to Hawaii about a year ago, and although I had been struggling to lose weight before I ever knew about that vacation, he quietly decided two months in advance that he wanted to lose weight. He joined a gym, ate a little less, and never talked about it. Four months later, he had lost 40 lbs and everyone was telling him how great he looked. It helped me to eat better and work out more, but my results were anything but dramatic. I feel like I fight and struggle for miniscule victories, and he stubbornly stays the same despite my pleading for support. But when he decides on his own to give it a try, he has such an easy time of it. He must wonder why I am such a failure.
Dealing with failure
Hi folks! Anyone out there yet? Post a one word comment to let me know you're reading! It would be a great encouragement!
I spent Friday and Saturday with two friends who are on traditional diets, the kind I've failed dozens of times and don't have the heart to attempt again. We were refreshingly honest with each other, sharing our goals and ideals, but I didn't yet manage to tell them about my eating disordered past, about why I am approaching it the way I am. I have only ever told one friend about it. Another found out through a blog that I wasn't trying very hard to hide (I think I wanted to be found out). I told my mom and sister when one of them made an oblique reference to something related. Turns out they had both struggled with similar issues, though I have yet to learn the extent in the two or so years since that conversation. So this stuff is hard for me to talk about to folks I know.
Since I got back home from seeing my friends, I have had very strong desires to binge eat, which I have not controlled very well. I am looking for a job, so I am home alone all day, and it is so hard to control those destructive urges. I am feeling pretty down on myself and find myself wondering if I will ever lose the weight. I seem to have a lot of ups and downs, from being excited about getting healthy to giving up out of despondence. It doesn't help that money shortages preclude many other forms of entertainment. I put off getting in the shower in the morning because I hate having to wear tight jeans all day or settling for sweats again. I am starting to feel like a stereotype of a fat lady. At 177 lbs, 5'6", I am definitely overweight, but I am not morbidly obese or anything. I tell myself that, but what it really comes down to is that I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
When I feel that severe discomfort in my own skin, it is food, ironically, that provides a temporary numbness. The pleasure of eating and that feeling of fullness provide a satisfaction that takes my mind off my ongoing body problems and goals. I don't need to tell you it doesn't last.
Another problem is that for all my soapboxing and goal-setting, I have to admit that I have yet to eat a meal in silence, away from the TV. For some, that would be fine. For me, it is an unhealthy pattern. If I finish the meal and the show is still on, I grab a snack. If I finish the show but still have some snack left, I start another show. You see how that can get out of control. In order to start changing that, I promise myself that today I will eat at least one snack or meal with no distractions.
As in one of my favorite movies, What About Bob?, the key to dealing with failure is "baby steps". Gaaahh I wish it could be "giant leap for mankind" steps!
I spent Friday and Saturday with two friends who are on traditional diets, the kind I've failed dozens of times and don't have the heart to attempt again. We were refreshingly honest with each other, sharing our goals and ideals, but I didn't yet manage to tell them about my eating disordered past, about why I am approaching it the way I am. I have only ever told one friend about it. Another found out through a blog that I wasn't trying very hard to hide (I think I wanted to be found out). I told my mom and sister when one of them made an oblique reference to something related. Turns out they had both struggled with similar issues, though I have yet to learn the extent in the two or so years since that conversation. So this stuff is hard for me to talk about to folks I know.
Since I got back home from seeing my friends, I have had very strong desires to binge eat, which I have not controlled very well. I am looking for a job, so I am home alone all day, and it is so hard to control those destructive urges. I am feeling pretty down on myself and find myself wondering if I will ever lose the weight. I seem to have a lot of ups and downs, from being excited about getting healthy to giving up out of despondence. It doesn't help that money shortages preclude many other forms of entertainment. I put off getting in the shower in the morning because I hate having to wear tight jeans all day or settling for sweats again. I am starting to feel like a stereotype of a fat lady. At 177 lbs, 5'6", I am definitely overweight, but I am not morbidly obese or anything. I tell myself that, but what it really comes down to is that I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
When I feel that severe discomfort in my own skin, it is food, ironically, that provides a temporary numbness. The pleasure of eating and that feeling of fullness provide a satisfaction that takes my mind off my ongoing body problems and goals. I don't need to tell you it doesn't last.
Another problem is that for all my soapboxing and goal-setting, I have to admit that I have yet to eat a meal in silence, away from the TV. For some, that would be fine. For me, it is an unhealthy pattern. If I finish the meal and the show is still on, I grab a snack. If I finish the show but still have some snack left, I start another show. You see how that can get out of control. In order to start changing that, I promise myself that today I will eat at least one snack or meal with no distractions.
As in one of my favorite movies, What About Bob?, the key to dealing with failure is "baby steps". Gaaahh I wish it could be "giant leap for mankind" steps!
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