Rainy Days and Mondays

It is raining so hard outside! Isn't this supposed to be California? Today is hard because I don't feel like working out, I feel like vegging on the couch! I am feeling a little down today.

When I woke up, I was excited that it was cooler outside, since it's been in the 70s and 80s lately. This meant I could go for a walk/jog without getting too hot. But then it started raining hard! There goes my plan to jog to the natural foods store 15 blocks from here to get more fruit!

I've been on Vyvanse for my ADHD, but I'm almost out, so I took one of my husband's Adderall, which I used to be on as well. I didn't have that late night hunger that I often experience, and I was tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable time. I only switched to Vyvanse because my psychiatrist suggested it. True, it's not as jerky a ride as Adderall as far as focusing on tasks is concerned, but it suppresses hunger to the point of nausea. Then when it wears off, however gently, I become very hungry. The Adderall didn't seem as extreme that way. The Adderall doesn't last as long, but now that I'm not burning the candle at both ends, that shouldn't be much of a problem. I am wondering if I should switch back! But I can't lie, a lot of my motivation to do so is from the fact that I gained all this weight after switching from Adderall to Vyvanse. It may just be coincidence, as I had so much change going on in my life at the same time, but it's still on my mind. I don't want to do it for the wrong reason, so I really need to examine my motives.

I try to be upbeat in this blog, but honestly, the past week or so, I just want to cry when I get a glimpse of my body in the mirror. I feel like I don't even know my body anymore. The weight came on so fast. I am used to being curvy, but with toned arms and stomach. Now there is nothing on my whole body that I am confident about. Even my usually clear skin is breaking out. I need to find a way to use those feelings to motivate change, but my more instinctual reaction is thinking that I can't change it and shouldn't bother.

A partner would be good. I need someone who is going to call or email almost every day, and help me be accountable. Someone who won't accept my lame excuses. I would love for my husband to be that person, but for him to be interested he would have to think I have a problem. Since he is a big guy, he still thinks I'm little and doesn't see me as overweight or unhealthy. Plus I think he feels threatened by my changes, thinking that he will be forced to do the same (which may not be completely off base, heh heh).

Well, off to the store to get some fruit!