Dealing with failure

Hi folks! Anyone out there yet? Post a one word comment to let me know you're reading! It would be a great encouragement!

I spent Friday and Saturday with two friends who are on traditional diets, the kind I've failed dozens of times and don't have the heart to attempt again. We were refreshingly honest with each other, sharing our goals and ideals, but I didn't yet manage to tell them about my eating disordered past, about why I am approaching it the way I am. I have only ever told one friend about it. Another found out through a blog that I wasn't trying very hard to hide (I think I wanted to be found out). I told my mom and sister when one of them made an oblique reference to something related. Turns out they had both struggled with similar issues, though I have yet to learn the extent in the two or so years since that conversation. So this stuff is hard for me to talk about to folks I know.

Since I got back home from seeing my friends, I have had very strong desires to binge eat, which I have not controlled very well. I am looking for a job, so I am home alone all day, and it is so hard to control those destructive urges. I am feeling pretty down on myself and find myself wondering if I will ever lose the weight. I seem to have a lot of ups and downs, from being excited about getting healthy to giving up out of despondence. It doesn't help that money shortages preclude many other forms of entertainment. I put off getting in the shower in the morning because I hate having to wear tight jeans all day or settling for sweats again. I am starting to feel like a stereotype of a fat lady. At 177 lbs, 5'6", I am definitely overweight, but I am not morbidly obese or anything. I tell myself that, but what it really comes down to is that I am uncomfortable in my own skin.

When I feel that severe discomfort in my own skin, it is food, ironically, that provides a temporary numbness. The pleasure of eating and that feeling of fullness provide a satisfaction that takes my mind off my ongoing body problems and goals. I don't need to tell you it doesn't last.

Another problem is that for all my soapboxing and goal-setting, I have to admit that I have yet to eat a meal in silence, away from the TV. For some, that would be fine. For me, it is an unhealthy pattern. If I finish the meal and the show is still on, I grab a snack. If I finish the show but still have some snack left, I start another show. You see how that can get out of control. In order to start changing that, I promise myself that today I will eat at least one snack or meal with no distractions.

As in one of my favorite movies, What About Bob?, the key to dealing with failure is "baby steps". Gaaahh I wish it could be "giant leap for mankind" steps!