I tend to be verbose, but in an effort to get readers I will try to stop myself! Okay. The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my weight loss struggles and accomplishments so that I will have a way to hold myself accountable without rambling to my friends about it. I guess I'm too proud to admit to my friends that I'm unhappy with my weight. Plus there's always that awkward moment where they feel like they have to say "but you're about to die, eat a sandwich!" even though I'm just a few pounds away from obese. So hopefully other people seeking healthful weight loss will find this blog and we can just be real with each other.
I'm trying to avoid the word "diet" because all the diets I've been on have failed. I've heard it said that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing repeatedly while expecting a different result. For me, "diets" don't work. Sure, I'll lose weight as long as I can stick to it, but that's only so long. What I found out from the article in January 2009 O Magazine "You Don't Need More Willpower" (12 stars out of 10! Seriously, read it!) was that rules make me feel comfortable when I stick to them and have the allure of rebelling against them when I want to feel dangerous. So for me, they breed these incredible highs and lows, emotionally and in terms of weight! See, a diet gives rules that you decide one day to stick to. Then until you decide to break it, the diet makes all the decisions for you. For me, it was almost a way to avoid mindfulness. So this effort is about making conscious decisions. I am going to consider what I want as far as nutrition and satisfaction, and make choices based on the circumstances of that moment. I am going to make each decision about what I eat.
With an eating disordered past, I studied calorie counts and fat grams like it was my major. I know the USDA food pyramid like it was tattooed on the back of my hand. I don't need any more guidelines telling me what to do because I know what's good for me and I know what I like. I don't need a diet book, because that can't teach me to care enough about myself to give me things that I like and that are good for me.
I'm also going to try to avoid words like "indulge" and "decadent," because they connotate sin, and for crying out loud, eating chocolate is not a sin! I am a Christian, and I believe gluttony (overstuffing yourself) is a sin, but since we are freed from Old Testament food laws, no food is sinful to consume. I respect my Jewish friends who disagree with this belief, but to me it is very freeing and comforting to know that God doesn't look down on me for eating what I want, as long as it's in moderation.
But I hope the above doesn't sound dogmatic, because really this period in my life has involved a lot of questioning. With increased mindfulness comes questions in my faith that I had forced out of my thoughts until now. I am also learning things about myself, even through dreams, that I had been choosing to ignore before. And when I think about a legal career, it doesn't always bring happy thoughts. I am questioning whether I'm really cut out for this and whether this is really what I want to do with my life. But so many people would be let down if I chose to become anything else right now. All this self doubt seems to literally weigh me down, so I will blog about it as it pertains to my weight loss efforts.
Not all my posts will be this long, but I just wanted to introduce anyone out there to who I am right now and what I'm trying to do with this blog. I feel happy feelings towards anyone who read all this! Yeah, I won't talk like this when I'm arguing cases before a judge. Bye for now!
CW: 174 yikes!
GW: 125-130
H: 5'6"
