Alcohol self-audit

I have been suspecting for some time that a principal factor in my weight gain, both recently and in patterns over the years, is alcohol. I am not looking forward to addressing this, but I've come to believe it's necessary.

Growing up, my parents never drank. I guess my grandma, the sweetest lady ever, was an alcoholic. She had a hard life, and drinking was an escape for her. My mom knew that that was in her genes, and because her mom's alcoholism was so hard for her, she never wanted to have any alcohol herself.

When I started dating my husband, he was a bit of a drinker. When I went out with him, people would think I was older and I would often not get carded as I would if I was with friends. He is 4 years older than me, so early on in college I only had alcohol when I went to his place or to a nice restaurant. When we got married (I was 19), I got used to having it around, and he would get me drinks at clubs or parties. When I turned 21, I already knew what I liked. I fancied myself a bit of a connoisseur. In law school, I enjoyed everything from wine to beer to hard liquor. I never got drunk when I went out, and only occasionally got drunk at home. I never did anything dangerous like driving after drinking, and I never missed class because of a hangover like some of my classmates. When I was on periods of low carb dieting, I would only drink rum and diet coke, or red wine.

But sometime in there, I started to think my husband drank too much. He's a big guy and has been a moderately heavy drinker for years, so having four or five drinks barely buzzes him. Well, I'm learning now that a lot of times when I have a habit that I don't like in myself, I point it out in my husband and blame him for it. So when I thought he was drinking too much, it may have meant that I thought I was drinking too much. The family I was raised in didn't really give me an idea as to what level of drinking was healthy and responsible, and what was too much.

While studying for the bar exam, I avoided alcohol. I had a glass of wine here or a couple of beers with friends there, but for the most part abstained. After I finished the exam, I popped the champagne cork and the relieved celebratory drinking did not really slow down for a couple of months. I would take swigs of liquor during the day, which I thought wasn't a big deal. But when I type it, I cringe a little, knowing it sounds bad. I cut back a couple of months ago, but because I have been drinking like a guy for a few years and I'm heavier than I've ever been, I have a pretty high toleration. Some nights I don't keep mental tab of how much I've had. I don't get drunk, but the drinks are adding up and giving me cause to reconsider my habits. And that little feeling of guilt or shame is telling me I need to grow up and stop drinking as much as a college kid. The fact that I think I have more refined tastes doesn't excuse the amount I drink. The calories are really adding up. I think this is a big part of why I gained 20 lbs after the bar exam.

For me, the bigger deal is my family's history of alcoholism. I did a couple of self-tests online, and they show a high probability that I am abusing alcohol, but they indicate that I'm not yet alcohol-dependent, another term for alcoholism. If I keep abusing alcohol, it could turn into dependence, and then I'll have to forgo it forever (or be an alcoholic, which isn't an option). Alcohol abuse help websites say that most people who determine to cut back are able to do it without a problem. If you have a problem cutting back, they say, it indicates you may be alcohol dependent. So, I have determined to set some guidelines for myself.

As everyone reading this blog knows, I am against hard and fast diet rules. But I feel like alcohol is kind of a different animal. With food, you have to eat or else you will die ("breathatarians" notwithstanding). If you don't listen to your body telling you what kind of food you need, you might suffer from deficiencies. But nobody needs alcohol. If it's doing something to you that you don't like, you can just give it up. With food, your stomach indicates that you are full, and then you (ideally) stop eating. With alcohol, the more your body gets the more it wants. So since built-in systems don't really help with alcohol intake, and since I want more than is good for me, I will have to give myself some rules. The incentive is for me, if I find myself unable to stick to the rules I give myself, I will join AA. That's a huge incentive to stick to the rules. I do not want to give up all alcohol forever. It would be like giving up chocolate or coffee forever. Joining AA is a lifetime membership, and for people I know that have done it, it is lifechanging and in some ways life-defining.

Since I don't want to have to do that, and since I am serious about sticking to these rules, I have made rules that are easy enough to follow once I get in the habit. The first month of a habit change is always the hardest, right? And I've been at this for two days already. Score! So my new Rule of Twos, which I will stick to for the rest of the year, is as follows: No more than two beers or sugary drinks per week and no more than two drinks on any given night. That doesn't mean I will have two drinks every night, but I can if I want to. In addition, in order to accommodate for holidays and other festivities, I am allowed to have up to four drinks on one night per calendar month. Like I said, this rule is pretty lax, but it is something I can stick to, which is important, and it also encourages me to keep track of what I drink, which puts a halt to random swigs while cooking or cleaning the kitchen. I think the limit on beers is especially important, since beer contains maltose, which spikes blood sugar more than eating sugar cubes on white bread, causing cravings. The liver also likes to deposit the resulting fat on the front of the belly, which is something I would rather have flat, thank you very much. I love English stouts and Belgian ales, so this part of it will be a little tough, but I will just have to make sure I enjoy and savor what I do have. And that's the whole point, right?

Here is a copy/paste from About.com regarding signs of alcohol abuse or dependence. Number 1 and 3 apply to me.

• Have you ever felt you should Cut down on your drinking?
  
  
• Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
  
  
• Have you ever felt bad or Guilty about your drinking?
  
  
• Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover (Eye opener)?

One "yes" response suggests a possible alcohol problem. If you responded "yes" to more than one question, it is highly likely that a problem exists.

Whip it!

Hello!

So I've been doing pretty well this week and I'm actually looking forward to my monthly weigh-in! I hope so badly that the uptick was just a fluke. I was steady at 174, and then while I was eating normally and starting to exercise more, it went up to 177 again! I am really hoping that I was just retaining water or something. All those years I thought I was fat in the 140s and 150s, I never thought I would be excited to be in the 160s. I wish I appreciated what I had. But the good news for me is that I don't have any medical condition (other than "aging") that precludes me from getting back to that. Also, I remember that my diet was not restrictive at those weights, and that I could have what I wanted in moderation. If I could get to 130 like that, it would be ideal, but I am willing to settle for higher if it means a more relaxed lifestyle.

My personal goal is to be below 144, because that is the weight I would have to be at if I wanted to join JAG, an idea I've been toying with. Coincidentally, it's also the weight I was the day I got married. I was size 8 or could squeeze into a 6. I have a picture of me on my honeymoon, at a baseball game, wearing white pants and a tube top and looking very cute. The pants won't even come up my thighs now, but hopefully the weight will come off just by reversing the habits that put it on. At 130, I would be comfy in a 6 and could maybe squeeze into a 4. My new motto is not "I think I can" but "I CAN DO IT!" I just tell that to myself whenever I feel hopeless about the situation.

Exercise has been going better. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but the gym I had been going to went out of business in August. It was privately owned and felt like a spacious New York loft. The owner was always there and would greet me as I came in, asking me how I was doing, how bar study was coming along, and encouraging me that the I was in the right place and I would pass the test. It was never stuffy or overly air conditioned, just cooled by the ocean breeze. It had all the big screen and personal TVs my little ADHD brain could want. It was never crowded, the people who were there had good attitudes but pretty much left me alone. And it was three blocks away. Basically, it was the ideal place for me because it made me actually WANT to go. All the gyms in the area now are $65 a month and up, located near a crowded mall area, and are way too trendy for a square like me.

So, I got the Chuck Norris approved Total Gym and put it in the spare room. The older models go for about $300. For the most part, I really like it. I was able to find replacement exercises on it for all the stuff the free trainer session at the gym taught me. It's kind of fun, and it takes less time than weight lifting at the gym because you don't have to go to a new machine for each exercise. But, sometimes I like a little more energy, a little more pressure. I kind of like being in a gym with a bunch of guys and pretending that they are watching me to see if I will finish the set with good form. I like trying to run faster than the person next to me. What I do now is open the window and hope a neighbor walks by. Not quite the same, but it's something.

Also, my curvy hips and chest (even when I'm much thinner) appreciate the non-impact exercise an elliptical machine offers. Now my cardio options are pretty much limited to jumproping in the alley or going for a walk/jog. With all the stop lights around here, street cycling won't get my heart rate up. I'm afraid to ride fast on the boardwalk because one time some kids jumped out in front of me at a sandy spot and I almost fell off my bike trying to brake. Well, that and the pedestrians, who have their own sidewalk just a few feet from the bike path insist on walking on the well-marked "bike only" path in large groups and then looking at me like I'm the rude one for ringing my little bike bell to pass them. Grr. I usually only run on the treadmill, and only when I'm below 150 (so it's easier on my joints), but now outdoor running is pretty much what I have to do, and it's uncomfortable. My chiropractor, who's a marathon runner, told me that I should power walk with spurts of jogging until my body can handle more sustained jogging. I've never been very athletic, but I used to go to the gym very regularly, and it sucks to be in this position of starting almost from scratch. The good news is that with only 10 or so full workouts on the Total Gym over the last couple of weeks, I am already able to increase the resistance a notch and my husband is telling me I look more toned in my neck and arms. Yay for that! But I know that for me, it's the cardio that really helps me lose.

To encourage myself to do more cardio, I gave myself an incentive. I bought an MP3 player to replace the old one that died last summer. A lightweight 2GB one with a screen was only $30 on the Creative website, came with a sports armband, headphones, and a charger. So even though I'm almost broke, I figured it was cheaper than buying an elliptical. Hey, I'll get the elliptical when I get a job. And it's definitely cheaper than diabetes or heart disease, both of which run in my family and correlate with overweight-ness.