Why do I want this?

I didn't get around to exercising yesterday even though it's supposed to be my primary means of losing weight. I had to come back to "why do I want this?" I get so down during the day that it's hard to take a moment and think about why I'm doing what I'm doing. Yesterday there wasn't anything I wanted for lunch, so I had cheez nips. And croutons. And then some brownies. And beer. Okay, yuck. Even when I was in front of the TV stuffing my face, I knew that was not the sort of lunch I wanted to be having. I told myself I wouldn't eat the rest of the day. I ended up only having an apple for dinner, and only went over my daily points by one. But it's hardly a victory. I ate like crap, it just happened to be low enough in calories. I'm usually big on fiber, too, but the stuff I ate had very little nutritional value. It's not like I have so much to do that I need convenience food. I'm practically drowning in time. I just don't want to spend it in the kitchen, necessarily. The day before, I almost ate a whole thin crust pizza! I was so high over my points values that it made me cry to write it down the next day. I have got to stop sabotaging myself!!! I CAN do this!

So why DO I want this? Honestly my top two reasons are to be hot and to feel more comfortable (socially and physically). So it's shallow. So what? Those are my reasons. Some people want to pick up their grandkids, etc., but I just want to look damn fine on the beach. I live walking distance from the beach but rarely go because I am insecure about my looks. That has got to stop. I still have that picture on my desk of the flat stomach that pissed me off because mine used to be pretty flat like that. I mean, not Victoria's Secret model perfect, but at least good enough for a knitting pattern or something! I am going to be so mad at myself if I continue to fail this way. There must be something in my subconscious that stops me from going balls out on this. I would love to try hypnosis once I get some more money. Maybe that can counteract the voice inside telling me to put off trying for another day.

My stinkin' sister-in-law's wedding is in almost 3 weeks. I have to pull it together and start eating better. That means I have to cook my own food. I also need to be exercising twice a day, not every other day like I am now. Thankfully I am healthy enough to do this. Before, I would have done extreme calorie restriction, but I know that's not going to work because it will slow down my metabolism. So I am going to stick to my minimum Weight Watchers points and get in as many exercise points during the day as I can. Okay, I'm starting to get pumped for my workout. This is going to feel good and it's going to make me look good! I am going to enjoy this! This will bring me closer to my goal!