Inspired and making progress

I finally figured out how to search Blogspot for blogs like mine, and I pretty much spent all day yesterday doing that! I was so inspired by everyone that I have been doing better ever since. I do not want to be a whiner. I want to have one of those blogs that inspires others. But at the same time, I want to be real about it because I suspect there are plenty of former bulimics who have found themselves with a weight problem they aren't sure how to tackle in a health-affirming way. After being so messed up, it isn't easy. I guess with me the key is to saturate myself in literature and personal experiences so that I constantly feel inspired to make good choices. Isn't that much nicer than relying on diet rules and sheer willpower?

I went to Whole Foods and got some pre-cut fruit. It's expensive, but if I just keep at it for a week or so, I should be in the habit of eating more fruit by then. A few extra bucks to ingrain a healthy habit? Priceless.

Yay, my first comment! Shoutout to Sher Khan over at http://longliveandprosper.blogspot.com/. I am feeling very optimistic today. I finally just told my husband that I needed his help for a few days to get me started. I was having a hard time getting up early enough to work out and told him last night that today I would do it. He was planning on getting up a little before me and then making sure I got up to exercise. Well, as it turned out, I woke up with his first alarm, but he kept hitting snooze. I lazed around for a while, and used him not waking up as an excuse to not work out. Then I sat on the bed and talked with him. The point is, I usually find myself getting upset that he didn't help me, and blame my failure on him. But I caught myself this time. I told him "You're using me as an excuse not to get up, and I'm using you as an excuse not to work out, so I'll just leave the room and get rid of both excuses." And I got up and got ready and had a great workout! Yay for me! I guess I don't need as much help as I thought!

I was feeling so optimistic that I decided to check the scale even though I usually only check it once a month. Um, bad idea. I had a gain of 1.5 pounds! I just have to tell myself that it is highly unlikely that I actually gained 1.5 pounds of fat in 2 weeks of trying to eat healthy and exercise. Sure, I might not have lost any, but it's really unlikely that I had 5,000 extra calories or however many it takes to gain 1.5 pounds of fat. Right? Right. Maybe one step back means next I'll get two steps forward? So from now on, to avoid unnecessary freakouts, I will only weigh in monthly.

Just FYI for the ladies, you are at your skinniest a day or two after the last day of menstruation. When I was maintaining around 150, I would only weigh in first thing in the morning on that day every month, and my weight stayed remarkably consistent. This is a good antedote to the frustrating "I gained 2 pounds today!" scenario.

Rainy Days and Mondays

It is raining so hard outside! Isn't this supposed to be California? Today is hard because I don't feel like working out, I feel like vegging on the couch! I am feeling a little down today.

When I woke up, I was excited that it was cooler outside, since it's been in the 70s and 80s lately. This meant I could go for a walk/jog without getting too hot. But then it started raining hard! There goes my plan to jog to the natural foods store 15 blocks from here to get more fruit!

I've been on Vyvanse for my ADHD, but I'm almost out, so I took one of my husband's Adderall, which I used to be on as well. I didn't have that late night hunger that I often experience, and I was tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable time. I only switched to Vyvanse because my psychiatrist suggested it. True, it's not as jerky a ride as Adderall as far as focusing on tasks is concerned, but it suppresses hunger to the point of nausea. Then when it wears off, however gently, I become very hungry. The Adderall didn't seem as extreme that way. The Adderall doesn't last as long, but now that I'm not burning the candle at both ends, that shouldn't be much of a problem. I am wondering if I should switch back! But I can't lie, a lot of my motivation to do so is from the fact that I gained all this weight after switching from Adderall to Vyvanse. It may just be coincidence, as I had so much change going on in my life at the same time, but it's still on my mind. I don't want to do it for the wrong reason, so I really need to examine my motives.

I try to be upbeat in this blog, but honestly, the past week or so, I just want to cry when I get a glimpse of my body in the mirror. I feel like I don't even know my body anymore. The weight came on so fast. I am used to being curvy, but with toned arms and stomach. Now there is nothing on my whole body that I am confident about. Even my usually clear skin is breaking out. I need to find a way to use those feelings to motivate change, but my more instinctual reaction is thinking that I can't change it and shouldn't bother.

A partner would be good. I need someone who is going to call or email almost every day, and help me be accountable. Someone who won't accept my lame excuses. I would love for my husband to be that person, but for him to be interested he would have to think I have a problem. Since he is a big guy, he still thinks I'm little and doesn't see me as overweight or unhealthy. Plus I think he feels threatened by my changes, thinking that he will be forced to do the same (which may not be completely off base, heh heh).

Well, off to the store to get some fruit!